The Silent Excrement Wars

So I was at work today.

And suddenly I felt my stomach rumble and my intestines twist. (Yea, you know this is going to be a good post when I start off like that).

I rushed off to the bathroom...which I must say, is probably one of the most ingenious creations of mankind, along with the air conditioner and computer (games). Without bathrooms and their assorted utilities, we'd all be excreting into pots. Can you imagine?

Unfortunately, since I was at the office, the bathroom was public. And public bathrooms tend to be...you know, public. Which is why I don't usually like going numero dos in public bathrooms. For some reason, I am mortally afraid that people will hear me and know what I'm doing. All the *plop plops* and the even more humiliating gaseous sound effects that come with the whole dirty business.

Yea, are you disgusted yet?

So anyway, I rush into the bathroom and to my dismay, someone comes in after me. Dam you public restroom! I head over to the farthest stall from the door, and begin my daunting task: pooping with another person in the room.

So now began the difficult and somewhat counter-productive attempt to not only poop but to poop quietly. As I settled in (haha...), I realize that the person who had followed me into the bathroom was also...going numero dos. Not only that, but he was succeeding in my task...relatively well (relatively being the operative word). No way was I going to be shown up by some random stranger who works at the same place I do!

Thus commenced the Silent Excrement Wars. For 5 minutes, we sat there in total silence, each desperately trying to mask the terrible sounds of our unpleasant actions.

Who won? I have no idea. I waited until the guy left before coming out of my own stall. Thankfully no one else had come in, so I could wash my hands in peace.

And there you have it! I <3 my stories.

...maybe this is why I don't have any ... friends.

Disclaimer: This picture has nothing to do with my political opinions about our current President. Please do not sue me, arrest me, accuse me of terrorism, or in any other way violate my civil liberties. Thank you.